july 6, 2024
i feel like poop. someone brought up a very good point about me not liking "rainbow types"- meaning, it sounds hateful. i can see how they may think that, and how others could too, so i figured id explain a bit.
firstly, i prefer women. i am a woman. but i call very obnoxious LGBT+ people rainbow types, because they have lots of rainbow pride themed items. i kind of find it minimizes the issues faced by LGBT+ people, which can be a serious (meaning: potentially fatal) issue if youre in poverty or a poc. personally, it irritates me. they are, in my experience, usually well to do white folks who just use the parades to dress obnoxiously and be vulgar/do drugs. when i was a kid, that was pretty much why the teens went there: very easy access to lots of acid, pot, etc. some of the guys who went there were straight, just wanted the drugs. thats not a look i wanna associate with; especially after i fought very hard to not be associated with instability.
do i hate gays? no. LGBT+? no. but i hate bad fashion. and also bad behavior in public spaces where children also walk around (the mall). when i talk about rainbow types, thats what im referring to. some of the outfits bordered on public kink. one looked like a horror character with a mortal kombat aesthetic. that shit is scary. theres no reason for it.
good outfits i saw: classic callback to gay culture with wizard of oz cosplay. that was all tho. it was very cute

july 3, 2024
sensory issues were a nightmare today. i think its caused by repressed feelings/lite psychosis. note to self: lie about symptoms and just remember to stay sane; the wave of symptoms will be over soon.
met a cute girl at the library. will do nothing about it, as per routine denial of bisexuality.
went to aa meeting yesterday. will be going to more soon. very helpful. have to surround my spirit with prayers and practice radically positive visualization.
got a new spy book yesterday too, drew cheburashka, and listened to tatus first album- russian version.
✨ in my ironically soviet era ✨

june 25, 2024
new sensory issue just dropped 💯 everything itches and only tight jeans and soft tops will solve it

june 23, 2024
got some good cookies today. pretty productive day too. might speak to someone today that i havent spoken to in years. weird how im living in the past lately. not sure i feel great about it. i feel a little insecure about it. like im being mentally weak.

june 22, 2024
today was the pride parade somewhere and i saw the influx of rainbow types in our local shopping center. other than it being annoying and obnoxious, it also makes me remember the last woman i dated. weird. im religious now, and wont allow myself to date a woman again. luckily i also like men. however, this is a bummer. it makes me remember my ex, Bina.
ill be ok though.

june 21, 2024
i have a nostalgia for when it all started to go wrong, but in a detached way. i wish i could go back and just talk to the person i was. i miss her. i miss her as a person. i wish i could just talk to her again.